


The Ties That Bind

by Xavantina



Series: Barisi ficlets [4]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Fluff and Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Mostly Fluff, SO MUCH FLUFF, Soulmate AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2015-03-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 17:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3578391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xavantina/pseuds/Xavantina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe things would have gone a lot smoother if they had actually touched the first time they met. As fate would have it, they hadn’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ties That Bind

**Author's Note:**

> God, it’s so fucking fluffy, I actually feel a bit nauseous. It’s disgusting. Please forgive me, for I know not what I do.

Maybe things would have gone a lot smoother if they had actually touched the first time they met. As fate would have it, they hadn’t. When they were introduced, Sonny had been momentarily overwhelmed by Barba’s presence, the way he effortlessly exuded an air of superiority, and as a result he hadn’t even dared to hold out his hand for Barba to shake. Meanwhile, Barba had given him a short once-over and then turned his full attention right back to Benson, which was what he normally did, as Sonny would learn over the coming months.

So no, the handshake never happened. Weeks had passed and Barba had grown to dislike Sonny, which he made abundantly clear every time an opportunity presented itself. A disdainful look here, a snarky comment there. He seemed to derive great pleasure from humiliating Sonny at every turn, and it was incredibly frustrating. Sonny tried changing his mind of course, tried to impress Barba as often as he could, simply because it’s in his nature to try to get along with the people he has to work with.

It doesn’t always work out for him, but at least he’s trying.

Much to his annoyance, Sonny started nursing a crush on him almost immediately. It’s nothing serious. He just gets an overwhelming urge to slam Barba up against the nearest vertical surface sometimes, in front of everybody, and then kiss him until both of them are breathless and Barba’s impeccable suit is all rumbled. Sonny really wants to see him lose control, just once. And it would be so satisfying if he was the one to finally break him.

When it does happen, the touching that is, it’s by coincidence. Sonny has made a habit of bringing coffee along for the rest of the squad every morning. He knows everyone’s orders by now, and he knows what Barba likes as well, because he’s seen him order plenty of it the last couple of months (black, no sugar). Balancing six cups isn’t easy, but he knows that Barba will be joining them this particular morning, and he’ll be damned if he lets an opportunity to get into his good graces pass him by.

Barba gives him a brief nod when he notices the extra cup and Sonny tries not a smile. He moves to hand it over and when he does, their fingers brush against each other briefly.

For a second nothing happens. Then Barba makes a surprised noise in the back of his throat and drops his coffee. It spills all over the floor and sprays onto his dress pants, right up to his knees. He’s wearing a light grey suit today, pinstriped, and Sonny is so busy thinking about how difficult it will be for him to get that stain out that he barely notices the tingling in his right palm until it intensifies and grows into a burning sensation. He looks down and there it is; a perfectly circular mark in the middle of his palm.

Oh, no. He is so, so screwed.

When he finally looks up, everyone is staring at him. Nobody is moving or saying anything. The room itself appears to be holding its breath. He dares to sneak a peek at Barba, but the other man is focused squarely on his own hand. After a few agonizing seconds he aims that stare at Sonny. He does not look pleased. As a matter of fact, he looks downright livid. 

Other people always say that when they first found their soulmate, they felt elated, relieved, like their lives suddenly made sense. Sonny feels none of these things. A horrible sense of dread is settling in the pit of his stomach and he flinches under Barba’s relentless glare. He doesn’t know what to say. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to work.

Without a single word, Barba turns on his heel and storms out of the room. The crowd parts like the red sea to let him through, nobody daring to even look in his general direction.

Sonny wonders briefly if he should go after him. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in these sorts of situations? But his legs won’t move, and the longer he just stands there, the more terrified he gets.

There’s no denying it anymore. Sonny Carisi is a useless, pathetic coward. 

People are still staring at him and it’s too much. He makes a run for it, finding the nearest men’s room and going straight for the first stall, where he promptly throws up. So much for breakfast.

This is definitely not how this is supposed to go.

***

The thing about The Bond (people often capitalizes it, like it’s some sort of divine entity – Sonny is starting to see the logic in that now) is that it’s a stubborn motherfucker. There is no fighting it, and if you insist on trying anyway, it will slowly drive you insane.

Unfortunately, Barba is trying to do just that and it’s making Sonny’s life hell.

A week has passed and Barba hasn’t stopped by the precinct even once. He has made everybody come to his office if they needed to see him, and Sonny has been too scared to go with them.

The thing is, the bond is slowly, steadily chipping away at him.

The shared emotional link kicked in after a day or two, and it’s been growing more intense ever since. At this point, Sonny is having trouble differentiating his own emotions from Barba’s. And Barba’s emotions are not pleasant. He is constantly stressed, annoyed, frustrated, angry, or tired, often times all at once. Sonny feels like he is drowning.

It will get worse in time. At some point it won’t just be emotions, it will be thoughts. And Sonny really does not want Barba in his head like that. As a matter of fact, the idea scares him shitless. At least that emotion is his own, and he tries to cling to it as much as possible, despite the fact that he knows Barba hates him for it. Oh God, any minute now those thoughts will be in his head and Sonny will know just how much Barba despises him, he’ll be hearing all the comments that Barba would normally keep to himself, all the scorn and disgust and ridicule, and he won’t be able to shut it out. Even worse, Barba will be privy to all of Sonny’s secrets, all the thoughts and desire he’s been trying to ignore all this time. Sonny has no self-control at all when it comes to his private thoughts, and Barba will know everything within minutes. He’ll know why Sonny wants to please him so badly, he’ll know how long he’s been dying to touch him, to make him smile and acknowledge him. He’ll know everything and he will think that Sonny is pathetic, and he’ll be absolutely right.

All he wants to do is curl into a ball and sleep, cause at least then his head will be blissfully empty, but he can’t even do that, because apparently _Barba never sleeps_ , and Sonny ends up lying awake for hours, trying desperately to block him out and failing completely. 

Rollins’ voice pulls him out of his misery. “Hey. Hey, Carisi.”

“What?” he says, a bit too sharply.

Rollins ignores the hostility. “Are you all right?”

“What do you think?” Sonny snaps. He realizes that he is being a jerk, but Barba’s constant negative presence in his head has taken its toll on his patience.

She holds up her hands in a defensive gesture. As a result, Sonny gets a clear view of her perfectly smooth, pale, unmarked palm. What he wouldn’t give to be so lucky.

“Sorry,” he mutters, scrubbing his hand over his face. “I’m not feeling well.”

“Yeah. I noticed.”

The Sarge put him on desk duty two days ago because it was becoming abundantly clear that he was not fit for anything else. A part of him wanted to protest, because burying himself in work might take his mind of things, but a much larger part is willing to admit that he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything besides the horror that is his life now for more than two seconds. It’s actually amazing that he hasn’t been sent home yet. Or that they haven’t staged some sort of intervention, simply dragged him along to see Barba and barred the door to his office until they’d started sorting things out.

“Thoughts or feelings?” Rollins asks.

“Just feeling for now. But it’s... It’s killing me.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she says and she sounds like she means it. There’s a reason Sonny likes Rollins the most of all his colleagues. He knows he shouldn’t pick favorites, but Rollins has always been nice to him. Why couldn’t she have been his soulmate? 

She continues, “So he’s not taking it well, huh?”

“He’s angry. He’s angry all the time, and I can’t shut him out.”

Rollins gives him a sad smile. “You do know that being in close proximity to him will help, right? I mean, that’s what I heard anyway. You wouldn’t even have to talk to one another; just being in the same room should do it.”

“Easier said than done. He doesn’t wanna be anywhere _near_ me,” Sonny whines.

“He can’t hold out forever,” Rollins says confidently. “I mean, just look at you. You look like something the cat dragged in. No way is he not affected by how unhappy you are.”

Sonny snorts humorlessly. “Yeah, mostly he seems annoyed. I think... I think he hates me.”

Rollins gets up from her chair and walks around their desks until she is by Sonny’s side. She puts a hand on his shoulder, and Sonny has to admit that the gesture is comforting. “I don’t think he does. At any rate, he won’t be able to keep this up in the long run. The Bond is never wrong and you can’t escape it.”

“I could kill myself,” Sonny suggests, and he sounds so casual when he says it that Rollins digs her fingers into his shoulder.

“Don’t ever say something like that again.”

Sonny hangs his head. “Sorry.” He actually did think about killing himself yesterday, but he dismissed the thought after spending five minutes on Wikipedia. Apparently there’s a risk that Barba would spend the rest of his life in complete emotional agony if Sonny did that, and as much as Sonny hates his life right now, he wouldn’t do that to anybody.

“I’m going to call him.”

Every muscle in Sonny’s body tenses instantly. “What?”

“I’m going to call him, and I’m going to tell him that if he doesn’t get down here within the hour, we’ll track him down, put him in handcuffs, and lock the two of you in an empty room until he stops being such a dick about this.” She sounds extremely determined.

“You really don’t have to do that,” Sonny says, staring helplessly at her as she goes to pick up her landline. “I don’t think he’s gonna-...”

“Oh, he’s gonna, whether he wants to or not.”

Sonny doesn’t even hear whatever Rollins says once Barba picks up his phone, he is too busy panicking. The feeling obviously gets through to Barba, ‘cause he senses what can only be described as an emotional eye roll seconds later, along with a wave of aggravation, which is no doubt a direct result of Rollins’ call. 

“He’ll be down here shortly.”

Wait. What? “Seriously?”

“I can be very persuasive when I want to.” She’s obviously proud of herself. “I thought you would have noticed that by now.”

Sonny smiles thinly. “Actually, I’m surprised that none of you did this earlier.”

Benson’s voice cuts through the air, causing Sonny to jump halfway out of his seat. “We were sort of hoping that you’d sort this out yourselves. Seeing as both of you are adults and all that.”

“It’s not like I don’t want to,” Sonny weakly tries to defend himself. “It’s just...”

“Barba can be a jerk sometimes,” Benson agrees. “But it’ll be okay. You just have to trust in your bond.”

Sonny automatically clenches his right hand into a fist. “Right.”

***

Sonny spends the next ten minutes at his desk, tapping his pen against an open casefile which he can’t focus his attention on anyway, until Rollins actually leans over and snatches it from his hand. Then he gets up and paces around for a bit. That doesn’t help either. In the end he settles for going into the men’s room to splash water on his face, smooth down his hair and straighten his tie. He feels ridiculous, acting like this.

Half an hour later, Barba strides into the station, his face set in a determined scowl. He doesn’t even look at Sonny when he passes by him, he simply sneers at him, “You. With me. Now.”

Benson steps out of her office and nods at the door, which apparently means that she’s going to let them use the office for whatever horrible confrontation they’re about to have. At least it’ll be more comfortable than an interrogation room.

Sonny closes the door behind them and hesitates briefly before closing the blinds. Barba will probably appreciate that.

Barba himself has started pacing too, although he is obviously less nervous and a lot more pissed off. Sonny doesn’t dare go anywhere near him, choosing instead to linger by the door. He might need to make a quick escape in a minute.

Only... he doesn’t want to. Because Rollins was right. After only a couple of seconds Sonny notices that the only reason he knows that Barba is upset is because of his body language and facial expression. There are no emotions in his head apart from his own. It’s almost enough to make Sonny cry with relief. 

Barba must have noticed as well, because he stops wandering back and forth, his frown deepening. He looks at Sonny and Sonny tries his best not to cringe.

“I need you to stop.”

Sonny blinks, confused. “What?”

“I need you to stop being miserable, and needy and... _pathetic_!”

His immediate reaction is sadness. His next reaction is anger. “You know what? Fuck you.”

Barba bristles. “Excuse me?”

“Fuck. You,” Sonny repeats, louder this time. “I didn’t ask for this! Do you have any idea what it feels like to have you in my head all the time? To be crushed under a constant barrage of negativity every single second of every single day? You’re driving me insane!”

Barba’s lips curl into a sneer. Sonny feels a flash of anger in the back of his mind that doesn’t belong to him. Apparently he can’t escape Barba’s emotions completely even now. “How do you think I feel?”

“Oh, I don’t know, kind of the same maybe?”

“Obvious that isn’t the case,” Barba replies. “Or you would know.”

Neither of them speak for a long time. Barba is scratching at his mark. Sonny’s anger is melting away quickly, leaving only a deep sense of misery in its place. He really feels like crying now. Oh God, he can’t let that happen. Barba will never forget that, and then he’ll never stop thinking that Sonny is a pathetic waste of space.

This is what happens when you spend an entire week being pulled apart by an invisible force that won’t take no for an answer.

“We can’t keep doing this,” he says, his voice dangerously close to breaking. “I can’t live like this, and it’s only going to get worse. I know that you hate me, but-”

Barba cuts him off, his voice uncharacteristically soft. “I don’t hate you.”

Sonny stares at him, utterly confused. “But you’ve been pissed off since the moment this happened.”

“I’m not angry with you,” Barba insists. “I’m angry at _this_.” He holds up his hand. Sonny notices that the edge of his mark is red, like he has been scratching at it for a long time. Trying to make it come off maybe.

“Well I can’t feel the difference.”

“Look, I’m not going to pretend that I like you. I mean, you annoy me. Constantly. But I don’t hate you.”

That should make him feel slightly better, but it’s a long way from ‘I don’t hate you’ to ‘I want us to spend the rest of our lives together, like we are apparently destined to do’.

There’s another extended silence. Then Sonny finally manages to gather up enough courage to speak. “Can we... Can we try starting over? Maybe we could try to have a cup of coffee after work? Maybe dinner this Saturday? Try to, I don’t know, get to know each other?”

Barba looks momentarily uncomfortable with the idea, but then his shoulders drop and he nods. “That sounds reasonable. I’ve been doing some research, and there hasn’t been a single case of mistaken bonding in all of recorded history.”

“Does that... frighten you?”

Barba shrugs. “I had sort of settled into the idea that I would never find my soulmate. It stopped bothering me years ago. I wasn’t prepared for all of this.”

“I always sort of hoped that I’d find mine,” Sonny admits. “I mean, people always say that it’s an amazing experience.”

“I’m sorry that I ruined that for you,” Barba says, and Sonny doesn’t need to have him in his head to know that he means it.

“It’s all right. We’ll get passed it.”

“Hopefully.”

Sonny takes a deep breath. “So, should I... come by your office when you finally decide to go home, or...?”

“I actually took the rest of the day off,” Barba says. “I haven’t been able to focus for the last couple of days.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” Sonny shifts his weight from one foot to the other and back again. “So technically we could go grab some coffee right now?”

Barba hesitates. “Can you give me a couple of hours? Just to sort out my head?”

“Oh.” He didn’t think Barba would need that. “Sure.”

“I’ll be back. I promise.”

All eyes are on Sonny when he returns to his desk. Rollins pounces immediately. “So, how did it go?”

“Surprisingly well, I think. We’re going out for coffee later.”

Rollins gives him a little nudge. “Good for you. How are you feeling?”

Sonny realizes that he’s smiling. “Relieved,” he says.

“And how is Barba feeling?”

Sonny actually has to dig through his own emotions before he gets to some that unmistakably belong to Barba. “He’s relived as well,” Sonny concludes. It’s a giant weight off his shoulders to know that. He feels optimistic for the first time since he handed Barba that damned coffee. Happy, even. It only magnifies when he feels a brief jolt of gratification from Barba as well.

Rollins is smiling at him when he turns his attention back to her. “You don’t have to thank me. I’m just happy that you’ve stopped moping.”

“Yeah, well. Thanks anyway.”

***

Their coffee date is a success. One might even call it a tremendous success, considering their initial odds. Sonny is good at mindless small-talk and as it turns out, Barba can be almost pleasant when he wants to be, so they just talk casually for a couple of hours. At no point do they insult one another or start an argument, and when they decide to part ways again, Sonny realizes that he actually had a very good time.

He goes home to rummage through the fridge in search of some leftovers that won’t make him sick. He’s waiting for them to heat in the microwave when foreign emotions start sneaking their way into his head. Luckily, they’re not entirely negative. There’s an edge of nervous unease, but a much stronger sense of anticipation and optimism.

A couple of hours later, just when he is brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed, another feeling starts filtering through. It’s arousal. Sonny almost chokes on his toothbrush.

The feeling grows stronger while he undresses, and by the time he is stripped down to his boxers, it’s becoming impossible to block out. Barba is masturbating, there’s no doubt in his mind. Despite the strangeness of the whole thing, he feels himself responding to it, both mentally and physically.

He lies down on his bed and allows the feeling to wash over him, letting his own answering desire flow freely as well. It works like a feedback loop, growing stronger with every passing second. By the time he finally gives in and starts jerking off, he knows that he won’t last long.

Barba comes first, and the rush of satisfaction that follows is enough to send Sonny over the edge as well. He breathes heavily for several minutes afterwards, lazily staring at the ceiling and enjoying the way his limbs feel heavy and his mind buzzes with their shared contentment.

He falls asleep peacefully for the first time that week, idly stroking the mark on his palm.

***

It’s Saturday night and Sonny is nervous. Barba is nervous too and that only makes it worse. They haven’t seen each other in two days and their emotional bond has been acting up as a result, making it hard for Sonny is concentrate on work once again. At least Barba’s feelings are less unpleasant now; it’s mostly stress and worry, not entirely related to Sonny, with the occasional taste of anxiousness. Sonny feels the same way.

He wears his nicest suit because he knows Barba will be doing the same.

Barba picked a nice restaurant, of course he did, but it’s not fancy enough to make Sonny feel out of place, for which he is grateful.

They talk all the way through dinner and Sonny gradually loosens up once he gets some wine in him. He wonders how the bond would react if he got drunk while they weren’t together. It probably wouldn’t be pleasant for Barba, Sonny’s emotions are strong enough when he is sober and alcohol has a tendency to amplify them. Hopefully they won’t have to find out anytime soon.

Barba is slowly opening up to him as well. He goes as far as to start telling Sonny stories about his childhood, which seems like a sensitive subject for him. Sonny pays him back in kind, choosing to focus on the most embarrassing stories he can come up with, just to make Barba laugh. He likes the way the corners of Barba’s eyes crinkle when he does that.

Halfway through dessert they get down to business. “I think we should take this slow.”

Sonny nods, licking chocolate mousse off his spoon. He senses Barba’s eyes on him and does it again, making sure to drag his tongue slowly across his bottom lip when he’s done. “Yeah, all right.”

“I just feel like rushing into something would be a mistake.”

Sonny hums his agreement, although to be honest, all he wants to do right now his crawl into Barba’s lap and have his way with him in the middle of the restaurant. He bets the bond would approve, but he knows Barba wouldn’t. Also they might get arrested. A good defense lawyer would most likely be able to get them off by arguing that the bond was clouding their judgment, but they would lose their jobs anyway, and that wouldn’t be good for their relationship, so Sonny controls himself.

“Are you even listening to me?” Barba asks, more charmed than annoyed.

“Sorry, I kinda zoned out for a bit. You were saying?”

Barba sighs. “I was saying that I’d like see you again tomorrow, if that’s possible.”

“That’s fine by me. We could take a walk in the park, the weather is supposed to clear up I think.”

“Sounds like a good idea. I’ll get the check.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“You can pay for coffee tomorrow.”

“And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day-”

“You’ve made your point, Sonny, don’t push your luck.”

A broad grin settles on Sonny’s face.

Barba frowns. “What?”

“You called me Sonny. You’ve never done that before.”

A small smile tugs at the corner of Barba’s mouth. “I suppose I had to start calling you that sooner or later.”

“Can I call you Rafi then?”

“Not if you value your life.”

Sonny laughs out loud, covering his mouth with his hand to stifle it when people around them turn to look at them. “Sorry. Okay, can I call you Rafael then?”

Barba tries to look disapproving, but he is obviously amused. “Go right ahead.”

“Rafael,” Sonny repeats, lovingly pronouncing every syllable. “It’ll be tricky to cry out in bed, but I’ll try for your sake.”

A light blush appears on Barba’s cheeks. He clears his throat. “Right. I appreciate it.”

Sonny walks home that night feeling lightheaded and happy, happier than he remembers being at any previous point in his life. Maybe people were right after all, maybe this is how life is supposed to be like. He really hopes that he won’t fuck this up.

***

The first time they actually kiss is just... impossible to describe. There’s the ‘normal’, physical sensations, the feeling of Barba’s impossible large hands cradling Sonny’s jaw, Barba’s tongue running along Sonny’s bottom lip before he gently sucks on it, the way his body covers Sonny’s when he pushes him back against the couch cushions. That’s all well and good, but the bond is going haywire at the same time, sending sparks of pleasure coursing through Sonny’s veins. He feels like he’s burning up and he can’t think straight.

He manages to tear his lips away from Barba’s for a moment, although Barba immediately starts kissing along his cheek instead. “Are you feeling this?”

“Yeah,” Barba breathes and then his lips are back on Sonny’s.

Just when he thinks he can’t stand this anymore, that the intensity of the bond combined with Barba’s hands on his body will actually drive him mad, it slowly levels out. Barba’s kisses turn less frantic as well and his touches grow steadier. Sonny lets himself relax under Barba’s hands and the bond releases its hold on him until all that remains is a feeling of utter contentment that settles in the middle of his chest.

“Are you okay?” Barba asks.

“Yeah. I’m good. Really good, actually.”

Barba smiles at him. “Good.”

***

A few days later Sonny messes up a tiny ( _tiny_ ) bit during a perfectly ordinary case and it ends up almost costing Barba his conviction.

They have a terrible fight that ends with Sonny storming out of Barba’s office because he can’t stand to see the look of disappointment on his face any longer.

He goes straight home and locks the door, leaving his phone in the living room and hiding away in the bedroom. He’s only been there for a couple of hours when his own embarrassment starts mixing with some of Barba’s guilt and unmistakable regret. Oh, so he’s sorry then. Big fucking whoop. He’s still an asshole.

It’s really hard to stay mad at someone when you can literally feel how sorry they are. Sonny tries to stay angry, hoping that he’ll somehow provoke Barba into a similar state, but it doesn’t happen. After a while Sonny gives up. Barba won’t be apologizing anytime soon, hell, he probably won’t apologize at all, but he doesn’t actually have to.

Just as expected, when Sonny eventually locates his phone again, Barba hasn’t texted him. Sonny stares at the blank screen for a couple of minutes, then types out a short message.

_It’s okay._

Barba doesn’t reply, but Sonny feels his relief and that’s enough for now.

***

The sex, when it happens, is surprisingly undramatic. Sonny had expected it to be overwhelming, but maybe their decision to proceed cautiously finally paid off. The bond doesn’t act up the way it did during their first kiss. 

It’s intense, of course, how could it not be? They’re completely in synch for a while, their breathing, their movements, their emotions. Sonny greedily accepts everything that Barba gives him, grounding himself in Barba’s desire for him and ignoring everything else. He muffles his cries against Barba’s skin and clings to him when he comes, allowing his emotions to take over for a while and accepting Barba’s when they make their appearance as well.

“I always thought people were exaggerating when they talked about this whole soulmate thing, you know?” he muses afterwards, drawing lazy circles on Barba’s chest. “Like it couldn’t possibly be that great.”

“I guess you were wrong.”

Sonny smiles, craning his neck back to plant a kiss on Barba’s cheek. “I don’t mind being wrong in this case.”

_The End_

**Author's Note:**

> I have to stop now, before my soul melting, along with my brain, and I won’t be able to look any of you in the eye ever again if I keep going like this. Also it’s 6AM in my time zone. Fuck my life.


End file.
